Hooligans 2015 Letter to Santa
Dear Santa, we have been really good doggies this year. Mom says we haven’t been and need lump of coals and switches in our stockings. We love sticks, but can’t figure out what coal is.
That skunk that we caught trespassing kept throwing his tail up at us and wasn’t nice and we decided he needed to leave. It got behind some of Mom’s pots and refused to leave. We had to forcibly remove it and when he went over to Grandmaw’s place and we decided to chase it off from there. After all we have to protect her place also. Trying to get it out of her shed, we accidently grabbed the siding when it slid under the wall into her shed and got under some bags of pine mulch. We helped scatter it for Grandmaw while we were chasing off the interloper.
Mom says we’ve been bad. Blackie won’t come and eat when Mom calls her, but she needs to check out the barn for mice first. Levi crawls in Mom’s lap when she gets home from work and fusses that he is getting her clothes dirty. Levi is just trying to get that hospital smell off of Mom. Patches keeps poking Mom in the back when she is getting food out of the wall bin. She just wants to be sure Mom doesn’t forget her. And can you believe she was fussing about us dragging mulch up the front walk? Here we are camped out protecting the house, and the pine tar stuff sticks to our hair like glue. Mom says we dug up some of her flowers. We were chasing after a critter and we can’t tell what is flowers and what isn’t. We did get those pesky moles some snakes and some critter Mom called Alvin. We left our spoils of victory at the end of the driveway so Mom could see how we’ve been protecting the farm.
Mom says Patches hasn’t been telling her the battery was dead in her collar and sneaking out. She just didn’t want Mom to worry, and she didn’t until one of the neighbors was a stool pigeon. Mom thought she had spoiled Patches fun, but the collar wasn’t working and she had fun visiting until she was squealed on again and got a new collar.
So you see Santa, we’ve been good doggies. We need toys again as some critter walked off with our stuff from last year. Mom says not to bring Patches one of those tires with the rope as Patches like to whop Mom in the knees with it. Blackie wants biscuits that aren’t healthy. Since she has been having trouble with allergies, Mom won’t let her have wheat cookies, beef or chicken strips or apples or tomatoes. Blackie was pulling tomatoes off of the plant by the compost box and eating them. Mom was so mean, she pulled the plant up and threw it in the box so Blackie couldn’t have any.
Now that we’ve thought about it, Mom’s been the naughty one.
Merry Christmas to one and all from Patches, Blackie, Levi and Mom.
Check out my GRIT magazine blog post.